My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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