My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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