Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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