Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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