But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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