Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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