I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
