She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
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