alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
