is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
