he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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