He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
