i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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