Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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