im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
