god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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