I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
