you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
