So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
