Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
