I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
