Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
