meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
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Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
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She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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