After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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