You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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