Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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