If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He shit in the fireplace
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
