I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Randomize
