Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
