i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Barsexuality is the new black.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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