Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
