So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
