i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
