i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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