The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
