So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just forgot I was standing up.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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