Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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