We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
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I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
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Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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