Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
