The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
