someone owes me an orgasm
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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