M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
