you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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