Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
