I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
why do cheetos always look like penises
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Randomize
