she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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