He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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