im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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