Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
