It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
