i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he thought i was a dude.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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