i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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