ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
