So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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