How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
