then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
