hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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