Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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