My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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