Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
