If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
