Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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